One More Time
by Kiri
Summary: Suoh confesses a secret but Nokoru won't answer back.


One More Time

**One More Time **   
[Kiri][1]   


I sat and stared out at the delightful day, wishing it were raining. 

Rain would have been better, in my opinion, because it would have been more suited to my mood. I wanted something to distract, and following tiny droplets of rain never failed to do just that. 

But instead, the sun shone a rare golden color, pouring yellow all over the gardens where my classmates were walking, blithely unaware of anything but themselves. A lovely golden yellow indeed. 

I buried my head in my hands silently. 

Nokoru was with his mother, discussing whatever they always did, and assuredly Ijyuin was waiting patiently and cheerfully as usual in the student council room. I did not want to see that golden yellow for a while, and here the sky was taunting me with my actions. 

I am a selfish person. I know that. I am not as kind, as good, or as wise as Nokoru. I suppose perhaps I am not meant to be. Yet I have given my life to protect him, which I have done perfectly, except for only once, recently, where I placed my needs, my wants, above his protection. One failing is too many. 

_"You can't just tell me that I mean nothing to you! Didn't my promise to you three years ago mean anything?"_

And then he fixed those dark blue eyes on me, summer sky and winter storm mixed into one, and denied everything. 

I think what was worse than the despair was the actual fact that I had failed him. If I had done this once, why not again? I had _failed_ him. 

I had realized when I first met him that he did not keep friends, only acquaintances, so that no one could be used against him. I understand that well, but I had so naively assumed that I could change all that. After all, one doesn't come by a Takamura protecting them every day, do they? 

Of course, one doesn't come by an Inomoyama every day either. He had probably thought nothing of it, just treated me kindly like everyone else and let me think what I pleased. 

Weak!! I was too _weak!!_

I stood up slowly from the window, certain that my face was as unreadably cool as always. I ran a hand through my hair, assuring myself that no one could tell the difference from before to now. 

I straightened the jacket of my uniform, brushed away the memory of tears from my cheeks, and turned toward the exit. 

And I saw him standing there, leaning lightly against the doorframe, the flare of his hair in this dimness like the light of a candle. The smile he gave me was unchanged, unflagging, his bright eyes gazing only at me. 

"Suoh, you shouldn't make me look for you like this," he said, and the tone of his voice was exactly the same. 

I caught myself blushing and wanting to cry, torn apart in the same instance, but I gave him an apologetic smile. "Sorry, kaichou, I was just enjoying the view." 

Of course he knew I was lying, but it didn't matter. What did matter was the pretense we kept up. If that were there, then nothing would be wrong. 

He nodded to me slightly, then turned. I stepped forward to follow, but he suddenly stopped. "You know, Suoh… I hope this has not changed anything." 

Several thoughts came to mind at one. First, he had said my name so sweetly, so delicately. I shut that thought out immediately. Then… changed what? Our friendship, if you could call it that? My feelings? 

My voice was quiet. "Kaichou, I promised always to protect you. I do not go back on my word." 

He paused for a moment, seeming to think this over, then nodded, satisfied. His steps led him toward the council room, and silent, I followed. 

When I entered the room behind him, it was as if nothing had changed. The chair he had been sitting in was picked up, the papers were neatly stacked… everything was normal again. 

I felt shame color a blush on my cheeks but kept my eyes down to avoid being seen. Ijyuin gave me a strange look, but I ignored him. 

The meeting was strangely short to me because I heard so little of it. I just nodded and dwelt on other things that I viewed more important. One part of me was listening, and I'd think about this later, but… that taste… which I had never felt before… it… 

"Suoh?" inquire Nokoru calmly. 

"It's fine with me," I said, unsure and uncaring. 

Ijyuin gave me another odd look, but was silent. Nokoru frowned at me. I met his eyes, gaze unflinching. It was he who looked away. 

"Adjourned," he said quietly. "Suoh, please stay." 

The tension and nervousness that welled up in my stomach at his words were almost dizzying. …Stay? 

Ijyuin seemed to sort of pout at not knowing what was going on, but his cheerful nature would get the best of him as soon as he left the room. 

I watched as the door clicked shut behind our younger companion, and then turned my eyes up to kaichou, silent. 

He was looking away from me as a soft sigh escaped his lips. "Suoh…" 

"I am sorry," I said, and truly meant it, but my voice was extremely controlled. "It will not repeat itself." 

He sighed again and turned back to me, though his eyes still did not meet mine. 

So he did not want apologies. This looked worse for me. "Because I have failed you, it's fine with me if you wish to-" 

"Suoh," he said sharply, cutting me off, his eyes finally meeting mine. So he did not want apologies or for me to leave. Then… what was left? "Please don't interrupt me." 

I wanted to flinch. He had never spoken to me like that before. But I remained silent. 

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I simply watched, awaiting my fate for my insubordinate behavior. "I don't know what to say to you, Suoh." 

I blinked. I had… stumped Nokoru? Certainly that was impossible. 

"I have never been in this situation before." His young features were washed with concern. He fiddled with his jacket a bit. "But you know my position. I can't accept even if I wanted to." He paused, searching for a reaction in my face. I gave him none. 

_Even if I wanted to… _

I had expected him not to want it, but this forthright way of saying it swayed me a bit. It stung. 

I nodded slowly. "I understand, kaichou. It was wrong of me, and I'm sorry." Even I was surprised by how nonchalant I sounded. 

He looked frustrated because he knew he wasn't getting through to me. I felt bad, but this was the only way I knew how to deal with this sort of situation. 

Slowly he walked around to his desk, seating himself lightly in the chair. He rotated around till he was facing me again. I started, his position being so similar to- 

_"Kaichou, I need to speak to you." My voice with gripped with tension, and it caught his attention immediately. Ijyuin was out somewhere, cooking or whatever he did with his time. I was standing in front of the desk and I slowly walked around. He followed me with his eyes._

_"Kaichou," I started, but then I stopped, trying to breathe. My throat was tight, and I was fumbling at the last minute for words. "Kaichou, I… I…" I shook my head slightly, giving up, then just did it._

_I leaned forward, breath caught in my throat and just kissed him, desperately trying to tell him everything that I had felt for so long, since I had met him, in one fell swoop._

_And he did fall. In his surprised efforts to get away from me, he tipped over the chair he was sitting in, reached out for the desk and missed, instead grabbing some papers that just scattered all over the floor. He landed with a crash, I on top of him. I scrambled off, red-faced and ashamed. "Kaichou!! Are you all-" And then I froze._

_The way he was looking at me, a mixture of horror and shock, golden hair falling over his face like the hair of an angel. He looked as if… I had violated him… desecrated the sacred temple that was his lips._

_"You can't just tell me that I mean nothing to you! Didn't my promise to you three years ago mean anything?" I whispered roughly, my voice cracking._

_Blue eyes regarded me quietly, the control reclaimed as quickly as it had been lost. "You know I can't…" he said, his voice soft, completely drowning any ray of hope I had had with reality._

_I simply stood and burst out the door, trying to run so far away that he would forget I had hurt him so badly, not only his body, but his faith and trust in me. I hid myself down by the steps to the basement and had cried and cried. Then… the window… the sun…_

I think he saw the look on my face, for he suddenly leaned forward, eyes seeking mine. "Suoh…" 

I did not meet them, my face flushed. "Kaichou?" 

"One more time. Then never again." 

I blinked, my gaze jerking to him. But… his eyes were open and serious. "One…" 

"Please." He stopped, looking away now. "I can't… ever… I can't let someone get hurt… so maybe, just once… I could understand a bit…?" His blue eyes were almost pleading as they came back to me and I realized how young he was, how young we both were. "So I'm not surprised this time." 

I understood exactly what he meant. Nodding my head once, I kneeled beside him. For a moment I studied him, trying to ascertain whether this is what he truly wanted or not. He smiled at me slightly, knowing what I was doing. I returned his smile and leaned forward toward him.   
[][2]

   [1]: mailto:kiri@fushigiyuugi.org
   [2]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html#Non



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